If you don't know, a blerd is a black nerd. The idea is a fairly new phenomenon begun by Dr. Christopher Turk, the well-rounded but still very token black character from the TV show Scrubs, and popularized by dorks like me. You can tell I'm a blerd because I just used the word "phenomenon". That's just the way I am. Pity me.
Pity me because I've been a blerd all my life. From first grade to sixth, I went to a Catholic school, where kids, the majority black, dressed in white polo shirts tucked neatly into blue dress pants, with black belts and shiny, little dress shoes to match. And I was considered the blerd. That's how much of a blerd I was. I was a blerd's blerd. It was that bad.
Sure, if what I learned in Bible class is true, people like me will inherit this whole planet one day. And when that day comes, we're totally going medieval on all remaining asses! Seriously.
Here's the ugly truth: blerds have never been on very many "to do" lists, if you catch my double entendre. Blerdiness just ain't sexy. Most white girls don't want anything to do with black guys, period. (Well, there was that one night when her family and friends weren't around, but she just HAD to know if that rumor about black guys and baseball bats was true.) And most black girls are too busy chasing after souljas (BUCK! BUCK!!! HOLLA ATCHA BOY!!!) to ever look at a black man who talks like a white boy. Unless, of course, he's walking next to the rare white girl who can respect his culture AND his use of vowels, ya hrrrd? And don't you even dare talk about interracial marriage. Suddenly the unwanted blerd becomes a stolen king of Africa!
It's so bad that many of my friends, blerds at heart seeking simple acceptance and the Holy Vagina, have dumbed it down to blend in. They traded their Polo shirts for basketball jerseys and those old shiny dress shoes for new shiny rims (THEY'S SPINNIN', N---A!! HOLLA ATCHA BOY!!!). They made adjustments. The ugly truth required them to and they accepted it. What could they do, after all? It was what it was. And for them, it became what it wasn't.
Then again, maybe I'm being too harsh. I've done well for a blerd, actually. I've stayed pretty true to myself, I think, and still gotten my fair share of poontang. As I said before: I've dated. I've been in serious relationships. I've even been married. But who knows how high my poontang count would be if I'd just sucked it up and sold out a little.
But there is a new hope, my friends. There is…another.
And his name is Barack Obama.
Barack Obama is a blerd.
Oh, don't let the confident smile and nice suits fool you. Barack Obama graduated from Harvard. You can't throw a calculator in that place without hitting a nerd…who will then use it to prove some theorem or show you how to use it to spell BOOBS (80085, by the way). Barack Obama knows a little computer programming. Barack Obama has the lingo of the white man and he isn't afraid to use it. Say what you want about his politics or his background, but no one denies his ability to give a speech. He single-handedly turned "Yes we can!" into the new "Just do it!"
The O-Bomb…a has landed and changed the landscape. I've seen and heard girls wearing weave smirk and wink and comment on how hot he is. I've seen white girls dote and fawn shamelessly—out in the open! And all this for a Harvard graduate.
And a black one at that.
How does he do it? More importantly, who gives a flying monkey's crap? The fact is that I have watched the swiftly turning tides. Friends are shedding the baggy jeans and picking up science books again. Girls are winking and smirking and asking how my college classes are going.
So fear not, my fellow black nerds. From the Urkels to the Theo Huxtables, the Jason E Perkins' to that black guy who works at the Geek Squad down the street, we are beginning to get laid with reckless abandon. And it'll only get better, because soon queens of Africa will take a good, hard look at the thugs they chose over us and wonder why those lumps on their couches never studied Law. Come November, white girls will flock to the voting booths to cast their ballots for a really smart black guy, and their daddies will actually approve.
It has begun. Because of Barack Obama, we too can holla successfully.
Yes we can.
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