I Hate New Year's

Most people really like New Year's, and I get that. I really do. I'm just not one of those people.

New Year's is another excuse to party. Wonderful. I do it too. Partying is a great way to seem somewhat normal, so I shower, I get dressed, and I remember to put on deoderant. I drive to where the people are and I get my party on. Sometimes I even smile.

But if I'm going to do all that, I want a good reason. That's all I ask. My birthday, my graduation, my me-ness. Something along those lines. New Year's isn't a good reason. It's thirty seconds of people proving they know how to count backwards, jumping up and down, and exchanging bodily fluids with other people whose names they may or may not know. I like that last one, but I could do without the awkward "Okay, it's 12:01. What do we do now?" moment or the part where I'm sitting in traffic, wishing I could get back home.

Will Write for Chocolate

And don't get me started on the resolutions. I've learned my lesson. I don't make them, but other people still do. And those resolutions last a good two weeks. That's two weeks of me having to hear about some new diet plan or how that Leo Tolstoy guy really gets it!

When I was a kid, my parents bought me a piano. It was one of the dumbest things they ever did. I don't even remember how to play Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. You know why? That piano took away from my Nintendo time.

What I'm trying to say is that I like the easy fun route. That's why I didn't graduate summa cum laude or build a hard-earned career in porn¹.

But New Year's is always there to remind me that I suck.

And it's the end of a three-month era. My birthday is in October. Thanksgiving is in November. December has Chrismahanukwanzakah. And then there's New Year's Day, killing all the fun. The new year means that in a day or two, I have to drag my vacation-loving ass back to work. Begrudgingly.

Getting paid to sit at home. I miss it already.

Maybe they'll give me Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend's Day² off this year.

¹ Get it? Hard? Earned?

² No, really.