Electric Love Machine

When I was a wee lad, I promised myself I'd marry a rich MILF and buy myself a BMW. That was the plan.

It would be a four-door cuz that's some classy shit and cougars love class. Or maybe a convertible. Cougars love convertibles. Hell, I wasn't picky.

People would roll their eyes when I told them BMWs were my absolute favorite cars. No, not Bentleys. Not Rolls Royces.

"BMWs are played out," they'd say.

"Whatever. Loser. Your mom's vagina is played out."

I did not care. My car of choice was sleek, powerful, beautiful—the bee's knees. BMWs were my favorite cars. And that was final.

Until I discovered Tesla Motors.

The fact that they're all-electric is nice, but that's not why my jaw hangs low every time I see one. I stalk them (with love) because they're sexy, inside and out. Curves in all the right places. Big ol' touch-sensitive, Star-Trekky monitor for a console. All glass panoramic roofs. Future doors.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm would still get a BMW, but my Tesla would be my main squeeze. I'd let my Tesla meet my parents. I'd trust her around my friends. I'd take my BMW to the prom, but Tesla's the one I'd accidentally impregnate on purpose.

Oh, and just in case you don't know my humor and took that last part literally, let me assure you that I would never have actual sex with an actual car. Even if that car were a Model S¹.

The only thing that could have stopped me from getting one (other than my deliriously empty bank account) was the limited driving range. I'd have to buy a second car or be stuck at home. Living inside a 150-mile circle isn't a problem right now, but if I had enough money to afford a Tesla, I'd probably want to broaden my horizons.

But now they're super-charged. They're essentially solar powered. They run on beams of light!

That's really fucking cool.

Which really fucking sucks. Now I have 10,452 reasons to be mad that I'm broke. That's one more reason than I had ten minutes ago.

Damn you, Tesla². Damn your sexy ass.

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¹Psyche! I would totally have sex with a Tesla.
From behind.

²The car, not the dude. Nikola Tesla was actually pretty cool³.

³Still wouldn't fuck him, though.